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I don't know if you noticed, but I've been on a bit of a movie kick this weekend. Finished it off today by watching:
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
I don't know what they were smoking when they made this. It's two and a half hours long. It could have ended an HOUR AND A HALF earlier and I feel like I wouldn't have missed much. Sam Witwicky has turned into an unlikable, temper-tantrum throwing little shit, his new girlfriend is nothing more than eye candy for the camera to objectify/a damsel to be saved (ugh, so gross and offensive, seriously), and I couldn't care less whether they lived or died. The action was unbelievable, in the sense that you really couldn't believe in a second of it. They're immune to broken glass, dislocated sockets, falling, getting hit and, in the case of the girl, dirt. They get thrown all over the damn place and walk away with a scratch.
I'm pretty sure that someone somewhere has a book of cliched movie lines that they bring out every time a Transformer has to speak - and then towards the end they got bored and started throwing in lines from other sci-fi movies. Yes, it's true: the character voiced by Leonard Nimoy actually says "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". I'm pretty sure he also quotes Yoda at some stage. I'm also pretty sure that by the end of the movie they were just recycling lines from the beginning of the movie, because by this point we can't remember a damn thing any of the robots have said as it's all just garbage.
The weird thing is, some parts of this movie are really, really funny. It's like they just hired brilliant, funny actors - Ken Jeong, John Malkovich, Alan Tudyk - told them the basic idea of a scene, and then told them to be funny. And they are. Alan Tudyk is pointless but hilarious, Ken Jeong is short-lived but plays a pretty funny Chang-alike, and Malkovich is suitably crazy (his rant about the red cup on the yellow floor is hysterical). Those parts are very easily the best parts of the movie, they had me ROLLING - but they're basically pointless asides. It's almost like they were making another movie, a comedy, alongside this ridiculous overblown effects spectacular that they knew was just unbelievable and stupid. I don't get it at all.
1.5 out of 5
You Are Here/Spin
It seems like they never fully settled on a title, as IMDb still lists the movie as "You Are Here", so I'm going with both.
This movie is pretty much your standard "LAST NIGHT WAS CRAZY!" movie with a pretty young cast and not a whole lot to say. Aside from abuse of the phrase "Next thing I knew..." and telling the story in flashbacks as a framing device, you pretty much know where this is going - with one cute romantic twist that you actually don't predict from the beginning, which is nice. I get the feeling that Chris Lowell's character was supposed to be the wild card of the group, but it didn't quite pan out. It was, thankfully, short, a sprint of a movie instead of the marathon effort it took to get through Transformers, and it was entertaining enough throughout, but the shortness means that characters aren't exactly fleshed out and most of their motivation is confusing at best. It's got some style, particularly in the music and the colour palette. Not a total waste of time if you're a fan of these TV actors.
I spent most of the movie trying to figure out what I knew Lauren Germanolder) Laura Prepon.
2.5 out of 5
It's now 9:30 pm and I'm going to bed, because I'm just cool like that.
Green Queen
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
I don't know what they were smoking when they made this. It's two and a half hours long. It could have ended an HOUR AND A HALF earlier and I feel like I wouldn't have missed much. Sam Witwicky has turned into an unlikable, temper-tantrum throwing little shit, his new girlfriend is nothing more than eye candy for the camera to objectify/a damsel to be saved (ugh, so gross and offensive, seriously), and I couldn't care less whether they lived or died. The action was unbelievable, in the sense that you really couldn't believe in a second of it. They're immune to broken glass, dislocated sockets, falling, getting hit and, in the case of the girl, dirt. They get thrown all over the damn place and walk away with a scratch.
I'm pretty sure that someone somewhere has a book of cliched movie lines that they bring out every time a Transformer has to speak - and then towards the end they got bored and started throwing in lines from other sci-fi movies. Yes, it's true: the character voiced by Leonard Nimoy actually says "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". I'm pretty sure he also quotes Yoda at some stage. I'm also pretty sure that by the end of the movie they were just recycling lines from the beginning of the movie, because by this point we can't remember a damn thing any of the robots have said as it's all just garbage.
The weird thing is, some parts of this movie are really, really funny. It's like they just hired brilliant, funny actors - Ken Jeong, John Malkovich, Alan Tudyk - told them the basic idea of a scene, and then told them to be funny. And they are. Alan Tudyk is pointless but hilarious, Ken Jeong is short-lived but plays a pretty funny Chang-alike, and Malkovich is suitably crazy (his rant about the red cup on the yellow floor is hysterical). Those parts are very easily the best parts of the movie, they had me ROLLING - but they're basically pointless asides. It's almost like they were making another movie, a comedy, alongside this ridiculous overblown effects spectacular that they knew was just unbelievable and stupid. I don't get it at all.
1.5 out of 5
You Are Here/Spin
It seems like they never fully settled on a title, as IMDb still lists the movie as "You Are Here", so I'm going with both.
This movie is pretty much your standard "LAST NIGHT WAS CRAZY!" movie with a pretty young cast and not a whole lot to say. Aside from abuse of the phrase "Next thing I knew..." and telling the story in flashbacks as a framing device, you pretty much know where this is going - with one cute romantic twist that you actually don't predict from the beginning, which is nice. I get the feeling that Chris Lowell's character was supposed to be the wild card of the group, but it didn't quite pan out. It was, thankfully, short, a sprint of a movie instead of the marathon effort it took to get through Transformers, and it was entertaining enough throughout, but the shortness means that characters aren't exactly fleshed out and most of their motivation is confusing at best. It's got some style, particularly in the music and the colour palette. Not a total waste of time if you're a fan of these TV actors.
I spent most of the movie trying to figure out what I knew Lauren Germanolder) Laura Prepon.
2.5 out of 5
It's now 9:30 pm and I'm going to bed, because I'm just cool like that.
Green Queen
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