![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I am 18 minutes in. For an actress I usually like, Diane Keaton is awful. Her daughter just died and she was in the car when she found out and I don't know what they were going for, but I laughed when she took her hands off the wheel and the car got spun around by other cars. ALSO, I swear, they actually had one of the daughters' friends say to her BFF 'Still gay?' Reminds me of the Gay Perry line. "No, I'm knee deep in pussy, I just like the name so much I can't get rid of it."
However, bb GQMF Chris Pine has been in almost a full minute of the movie so far (raging queer stereotype ahoy!), so I shall plow ahead.
LOL she just put lipstick on her daughter corpse while whispering 'you're gonna be so pretty' and crying. WHAT. AND SHE TOOK HER SHOES. TO WEAR TO THE FUNERAL. THEY ARE SPARKLY RED THINGS (flip-flops for Americans.) GET IT? GET IT?
"YOU DON'T GENERALLY GET A NEW BEST FRIEND AFTER 30! THIS IS IT! IT'S OVER! WHY DID WE WANT TO GET ICE CREAM?!" LOL. This is the BFF Tom Everett Scott (GUY!) btw. Aww, Chris Pine being practically perfect in every way. So far, even without bias, he's the best thing about this movie.
New packing technique: shove a seemingly random collection of stuff, including photos of your dead daughter, into a blanket and HIT THE ROAD!
She's shown up at the beach house her daughter and friends co-owned. Still wearing the thongs, btw. HEY CHRIS PINE DRAPED ALL OVER TOM EVERETT SCOTT LIKE BEING GAY IS GOING OUT OF STYLE. Daughter's other (girl, not gay) BFF has a baby and she's all DO NOT BREAK MY BABY RAR!
PSYCHO MOTHER ATTACK. "All that tempura? Please! Green tea ice cream? Spare me!" Chris Pine looks as befuddled as I feel. Can I rewrite this movie? One of the daughters' friends just asked for a memento and she literally said 'I don't think so.' Nice. After he just invited her to stay at the beach house and all.
Gay BFF Tom Everett Scott is all SHE HATES ME! I DIDN'T GET INVITED TO THE FUNERAL! I'M KICKING HER OUT! Chris Pine is leaning against a pole alluringly and not talking. Gay BFF he failed. Obviously.
Manly Man friend just tried to sleep-sex up his wife, Girl BFF. Obviously she was not into it. BECAUSE SHE WAS ASLEEP. I mean...grieving. Awww, and Chris Pine is eating cereal and not talking. Looks cute doing it though.
Diane Keaton is listening to her daughter's awful J-Pop and cleaning. HEY CHRIS PINE. Looking befuddled and amused and draping himself all over Gay BFF like it's going out of style and not talking. Another trend: tank tops. Yum. Chris Pine is now LAUGHING! Diane Keaton rambling about...crap.
Wow. Her Japanese is so bad I want to kill myself. She's inviting herself on their beach trip. THIS SCENE IS HURTING ME PHYSICALLY. She's blackmailing the Manly Man by using adultery against him so she can...go to the beach. WHAT.
Chris Pine is wearing pants that show off his nice ass and a tank top and looking befuddled and not talking. Diane Keaton is wearing her daughter's kimono.
Gay BFF made her change. "You're very quick-witted. Is that from being gay?" AUGH OUCH MY BRAIN. "You want me to be dead instead of Sarah, I want me to be dead instead of Sarah, that we agree on." This is a fucking awful scene. I want to punch Diane Keaton in the face.
Chris Pine laughing in a tank top and not talking. Now looking befuddled. The girl BFF fooled around with the daughter in college AND THIS IS A TALKING POINT FOR THE GROUP. Manly Man is all DID YOU HAVE SEX? YOU DID! GREAT! IDEK.
CHRIS PINE GETS TO TALK! "Sorry about your daughter." Wow. THE. FUCK.
CP: "You know, I lost my brother two years ago."
Diane Keaton: "Oh, I'm sorry. AIDS?"
What. The everloving. FUCK. And Chris Pine is all
This. Is a REAL LINE. "It was kind of ironic, actually. My stepmom had cancer and then he OD'd on roxycontin. *laugh* And then she died, it was a whole...mess." WHAT. WHAT. IRONIC: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Then they laugh about her use of going steady and Chris Pine is a raging homo who just got a call-back for Mamma Mia and he's all I sleep around! and you're like what? What? And then he's all cuddly with Gay BFF and...they had a little kiss! Almost makes the first 40 minutes worth it!
He's talking again! They're sitting in the back of a truck and he's trying to guilt his boyfriend Gay BFF into returning the diary of Dead Daughter to Diane Keaton. In a tank top, looking befuddled. Manly Man is still pissed about the lesbian sex so Diane Keaton's dragging him off to by cleaning supplies. He's looking at her like he hates her. I hate her too.
Now she's making Manly Man tell her EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM. I'm very bored.
Gay BFF is wandering the house shirtless. LOL he wandered into Dead Daughter's room for cuddles and Diane Keaton freaked out and it turns out Gay BFF is 'sleepwalking' but didn't wake up falling off the bed OH HEY SHIRTLESS CHRIS PINE!
He's all "Wake up sweetie! Come on!" and it's kind of adorable if stupid, and I'm going to forgive the stupid cuz of how shirtless he is.
Girl BFF is stressing out about the baby. I am kinda goo now just because of the baby.
Diane Keaton took Gay BFF's play and read it without permission. He bitched. Chris Pine stood around in a tank top looking befuddled. At the end he was ADORABLE LIKE THIS:
Because it's so ~Japanese~ people are singing 'Three Little Maids' from The Mikado and annoying Gay BFF.
OMG GUESS WHAT IT IS TIME FOR?
PRANCEY PRANCEY! AND HE IS STILL SINGING AND IT IS THE BEST THING EVER OMG.
But then Gay BFF grabs him and yanks the wig off and is like I SPOIL YOUR FUN RAR! Chris Pine looks pretty in the make-up. And Diane Keaton is confusing everyone, including the audience, by wearing Dead Daughter's old clothes and looking nothing like even though they keep inserting shots of her. What?
NOW CHRIS PINE IS WEARING A SUIT AND IT IS SOOOOO SEXY SERIOUSLY. HOLY CRAP. And Chris Pine is all gorgeous and supportive of his useless boyfriend and now they are walking with their arms around each other and making me haaaappy.
Weakest Broadway-style party ever. Chris Pine looks DELIGHTED in his SUIT yum. Chris Pine is introducing himself to Gay BFF's backer all "HI OMG IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU" with princessy hand movements and it's ADORABLE OMG. He's protesting that he can't sing for the backer LOL! ADORABLE. AND NOW HE IS SINGING! I LOOOVE IT. HE IS OVERACTING AND TERRIBLE I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Gay BFF is yelling at him. Jackass. Dead Daughter was EVERYTHING TO HIM! And Diane Keaton just told him Chris Pine was sleeping around on him even though she promised she wouldn't because she's a BITCH. Ugh.
Chris Pine is still looking very fine in his suit. Diane Keaton wants to try her daughter's magic mushrooms. LOL GAY BFF CALLED HER A GROWN-UP. LMAO. Chris Pine sniffed the mushroom and made this cute scrunched-up face AND THEN THIS HAPPENED
And now we have a terrible GETTING HIGH MONTAGE with dodgy slow motion and light effects and Chris Pine showing off his hot pink shirt and dancing in a fountain.
Oh hey, now they're at a gay club! Some guys call Gay BFF 'the gay Neil Simon' and compliment him while Diane Keaton dances with Chris Pine and bad camera effects are bad. OH HEY NOW THIS IS HAPPENING!
Diane Keaton is, of course, the only woman there and there's a drag queen and a lot of flaming queers. It makes me miss Babylon.
They're all lying on the roof. LOL DIANE KEATON JUST SAW THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IN THE CLOUDS. She's holding hands with Chris Pine, it's very cute. She asked if they could see it and Chris Pine is like "That's from the Wizard of Oz, right?" and I feel compelled to point out that he has his suit all open and his chest is bare and it's kind of debauched and sexy.
That was how they greeted each other, see. Now she's crying. and they're not shooting Chris Pine and I'm bored.
More dodgy ~Japanese~ stuff - tea ceremony this time. LOL AND THEY ARE SITTING AROUND HOLDING HANDS AND RECITING FROM ONE OF THOSE LEARNING JAPANESE TAPES AND IT IS HILAAARIOUS. Chris Pine is doing it. Gay BFF is not, because he has sense. OH PRETTY CHRIS PINE. I had a picture of his face when Gay BFF is all RAR I KILL YOUR MEMORIAL! but I can't find it. Gay BFF and Manly Man were fighting. Eldery next-door neighbour is mad, breaks up fight. Gay BFF storms off to brood by walking into the sea and getting his nice suit all wet. I laughed.
Diane Keaton patched up Manly Man. DEAD DAUGHTER GOT PREGNANT WITH MANLY MAN'S BABY AND HAD AN ABORTION. THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE. AND THE WIFE FOUND OUT OVER THE BABY MONITOR. Chris Pine is looking awkward in his pretty pink shirt while Gay BFF and Girl BFF fight about the whole thing. Fighting with the hubby and Chris Pine looking awkward. TERRIBLE DIALOGUE. TERRIBLE ACTING. IT HURTS US.
The backer came to the house to flirt with Diane Keaton and ask her out (she says no) while Chris Pine puts his head shot on backer's car. Gay BFF finds it and is a jackass of EPIC PROPORTIONS WOW. And Diane Keaton, of all people, calls him out on having a melodramatic snit fit and then chews him out for cockblocking her daughter. Kinda. I am, again, in awe of how terrible this writing is. She calls him a fairy. This movie is kind of really homophobic. They're basically fighting over who loved her more.
Chris Pine just climbed out onto the roof in dodgy three-quarter pants and a cute grey t-shirt. His boyfriend is sitting up there. Gay BFF likens Diane Keaton to a neutron bomb, "wipe out the people and leave all the buildings", which is...really just a weird analogy. Chris Pine wants a passing interest in his inner life, and what Gay BFF had with Dead Daughter. So Gay BFF walks on the roof and falls off into comfy bushes and it's...really, really dumb.
Diane Keaton is snoring. Gay BFF gives her the diary even though she hates him. She finds it in the morning and then (inexplicably) THIS HAPPENS
BUT THE DIARY IS IN JAPANESE. LOL. SUCKED IN WOMAN. Now she's translating. And going on a date with the backer.
Manly Man and Girl BFF make up.
They're on the date and Diane Keaton gets the diary translated by a Japanese cook and finds out that she was smothering her daughter (duh) and freaks and buys ice cream at the same place as Dead Daughter and Gay BFF did before she died, from a lady with a beard. Which was in Gay BFF's play and she said it was stupid.
Diane Keaton gives stuff out to the friends. Chris Pine lounges and laughs. She gives him the pretty dress he wore and he kisses her and it's adoorable, and Gay BFF is like 'I guess there's nothing in that bag for me' and I'm like STOP FORCING WIZARD OF OZ ON US. THIS MOVIE IS NO WIZARD OF OZ. And she gives him the diary, because we needed more cheese. She apologises for being a raging bitch. She was the ONLY THING THEY EVER LOVED IN THEIR WHOLE LIFE. Poor Chris Pine. Last shot of Chris Pine: driving off in the back of the truck. More bad Wizard of Oz metaphors to close the movie.
1.5 stars. Chris gets one all to himself.
Green Queen
However, bb GQMF Chris Pine has been in almost a full minute of the movie so far (raging queer stereotype ahoy!), so I shall plow ahead.
LOL she just put lipstick on her daughter corpse while whispering 'you're gonna be so pretty' and crying. WHAT. AND SHE TOOK HER SHOES. TO WEAR TO THE FUNERAL. THEY ARE SPARKLY RED THINGS (flip-flops for Americans.) GET IT? GET IT?
"YOU DON'T GENERALLY GET A NEW BEST FRIEND AFTER 30! THIS IS IT! IT'S OVER! WHY DID WE WANT TO GET ICE CREAM?!" LOL. This is the BFF Tom Everett Scott (GUY!) btw. Aww, Chris Pine being practically perfect in every way. So far, even without bias, he's the best thing about this movie.
New packing technique: shove a seemingly random collection of stuff, including photos of your dead daughter, into a blanket and HIT THE ROAD!
She's shown up at the beach house her daughter and friends co-owned. Still wearing the thongs, btw. HEY CHRIS PINE DRAPED ALL OVER TOM EVERETT SCOTT LIKE BEING GAY IS GOING OUT OF STYLE. Daughter's other (girl, not gay) BFF has a baby and she's all DO NOT BREAK MY BABY RAR!
PSYCHO MOTHER ATTACK. "All that tempura? Please! Green tea ice cream? Spare me!" Chris Pine looks as befuddled as I feel. Can I rewrite this movie? One of the daughters' friends just asked for a memento and she literally said 'I don't think so.' Nice. After he just invited her to stay at the beach house and all.
Gay BFF Tom Everett Scott is all SHE HATES ME! I DIDN'T GET INVITED TO THE FUNERAL! I'M KICKING HER OUT! Chris Pine is leaning against a pole alluringly and not talking. Gay BFF he failed. Obviously.
Manly Man friend just tried to sleep-sex up his wife, Girl BFF. Obviously she was not into it. BECAUSE SHE WAS ASLEEP. I mean...grieving. Awww, and Chris Pine is eating cereal and not talking. Looks cute doing it though.
Diane Keaton is listening to her daughter's awful J-Pop and cleaning. HEY CHRIS PINE. Looking befuddled and amused and draping himself all over Gay BFF like it's going out of style and not talking. Another trend: tank tops. Yum. Chris Pine is now LAUGHING! Diane Keaton rambling about...crap.
Wow. Her Japanese is so bad I want to kill myself. She's inviting herself on their beach trip. THIS SCENE IS HURTING ME PHYSICALLY. She's blackmailing the Manly Man by using adultery against him so she can...go to the beach. WHAT.
Chris Pine is wearing pants that show off his nice ass and a tank top and looking befuddled and not talking. Diane Keaton is wearing her daughter's kimono.
Gay BFF made her change. "You're very quick-witted. Is that from being gay?" AUGH OUCH MY BRAIN. "You want me to be dead instead of Sarah, I want me to be dead instead of Sarah, that we agree on." This is a fucking awful scene. I want to punch Diane Keaton in the face.
Chris Pine laughing in a tank top and not talking. Now looking befuddled. The girl BFF fooled around with the daughter in college AND THIS IS A TALKING POINT FOR THE GROUP. Manly Man is all DID YOU HAVE SEX? YOU DID! GREAT! IDEK.
CHRIS PINE GETS TO TALK! "Sorry about your daughter." Wow. THE. FUCK.
CP: "You know, I lost my brother two years ago."
Diane Keaton: "Oh, I'm sorry. AIDS?"
What. The everloving. FUCK. And Chris Pine is all
This. Is a REAL LINE. "It was kind of ironic, actually. My stepmom had cancer and then he OD'd on roxycontin. *laugh* And then she died, it was a whole...mess." WHAT. WHAT. IRONIC: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Then they laugh about her use of going steady and Chris Pine is a raging homo who just got a call-back for Mamma Mia and he's all I sleep around! and you're like what? What? And then he's all cuddly with Gay BFF and...they had a little kiss! Almost makes the first 40 minutes worth it!
He's talking again! They're sitting in the back of a truck and he's trying to guilt his boyfriend Gay BFF into returning the diary of Dead Daughter to Diane Keaton. In a tank top, looking befuddled. Manly Man is still pissed about the lesbian sex so Diane Keaton's dragging him off to by cleaning supplies. He's looking at her like he hates her. I hate her too.
Now she's making Manly Man tell her EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM. I'm very bored.
Gay BFF is wandering the house shirtless. LOL he wandered into Dead Daughter's room for cuddles and Diane Keaton freaked out and it turns out Gay BFF is 'sleepwalking' but didn't wake up falling off the bed OH HEY SHIRTLESS CHRIS PINE!
He's all "Wake up sweetie! Come on!" and it's kind of adorable if stupid, and I'm going to forgive the stupid cuz of how shirtless he is.
Girl BFF is stressing out about the baby. I am kinda goo now just because of the baby.
Diane Keaton took Gay BFF's play and read it without permission. He bitched. Chris Pine stood around in a tank top looking befuddled. At the end he was ADORABLE LIKE THIS:
Because it's so ~Japanese~ people are singing 'Three Little Maids' from The Mikado and annoying Gay BFF.
OMG GUESS WHAT IT IS TIME FOR?
PRANCEY PRANCEY! AND HE IS STILL SINGING AND IT IS THE BEST THING EVER OMG.
But then Gay BFF grabs him and yanks the wig off and is like I SPOIL YOUR FUN RAR! Chris Pine looks pretty in the make-up. And Diane Keaton is confusing everyone, including the audience, by wearing Dead Daughter's old clothes and looking nothing like even though they keep inserting shots of her. What?
NOW CHRIS PINE IS WEARING A SUIT AND IT IS SOOOOO SEXY SERIOUSLY. HOLY CRAP. And Chris Pine is all gorgeous and supportive of his useless boyfriend and now they are walking with their arms around each other and making me haaaappy.
Weakest Broadway-style party ever. Chris Pine looks DELIGHTED in his SUIT yum. Chris Pine is introducing himself to Gay BFF's backer all "HI OMG IT IS SO NICE TO MEET YOU" with princessy hand movements and it's ADORABLE OMG. He's protesting that he can't sing for the backer LOL! ADORABLE. AND NOW HE IS SINGING! I LOOOVE IT. HE IS OVERACTING AND TERRIBLE I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Gay BFF is yelling at him. Jackass. Dead Daughter was EVERYTHING TO HIM! And Diane Keaton just told him Chris Pine was sleeping around on him even though she promised she wouldn't because she's a BITCH. Ugh.
Chris Pine is still looking very fine in his suit. Diane Keaton wants to try her daughter's magic mushrooms. LOL GAY BFF CALLED HER A GROWN-UP. LMAO. Chris Pine sniffed the mushroom and made this cute scrunched-up face AND THEN THIS HAPPENED
And now we have a terrible GETTING HIGH MONTAGE with dodgy slow motion and light effects and Chris Pine showing off his hot pink shirt and dancing in a fountain.
Oh hey, now they're at a gay club! Some guys call Gay BFF 'the gay Neil Simon' and compliment him while Diane Keaton dances with Chris Pine and bad camera effects are bad. OH HEY NOW THIS IS HAPPENING!
Diane Keaton is, of course, the only woman there and there's a drag queen and a lot of flaming queers. It makes me miss Babylon.
They're all lying on the roof. LOL DIANE KEATON JUST SAW THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IN THE CLOUDS. She's holding hands with Chris Pine, it's very cute. She asked if they could see it and Chris Pine is like "That's from the Wizard of Oz, right?" and I feel compelled to point out that he has his suit all open and his chest is bare and it's kind of debauched and sexy.
That was how they greeted each other, see. Now she's crying. and they're not shooting Chris Pine and I'm bored.
More dodgy ~Japanese~ stuff - tea ceremony this time. LOL AND THEY ARE SITTING AROUND HOLDING HANDS AND RECITING FROM ONE OF THOSE LEARNING JAPANESE TAPES AND IT IS HILAAARIOUS. Chris Pine is doing it. Gay BFF is not, because he has sense. OH PRETTY CHRIS PINE. I had a picture of his face when Gay BFF is all RAR I KILL YOUR MEMORIAL! but I can't find it. Gay BFF and Manly Man were fighting. Eldery next-door neighbour is mad, breaks up fight. Gay BFF storms off to brood by walking into the sea and getting his nice suit all wet. I laughed.
Diane Keaton patched up Manly Man. DEAD DAUGHTER GOT PREGNANT WITH MANLY MAN'S BABY AND HAD AN ABORTION. THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE. AND THE WIFE FOUND OUT OVER THE BABY MONITOR. Chris Pine is looking awkward in his pretty pink shirt while Gay BFF and Girl BFF fight about the whole thing. Fighting with the hubby and Chris Pine looking awkward. TERRIBLE DIALOGUE. TERRIBLE ACTING. IT HURTS US.
The backer came to the house to flirt with Diane Keaton and ask her out (she says no) while Chris Pine puts his head shot on backer's car. Gay BFF finds it and is a jackass of EPIC PROPORTIONS WOW. And Diane Keaton, of all people, calls him out on having a melodramatic snit fit and then chews him out for cockblocking her daughter. Kinda. I am, again, in awe of how terrible this writing is. She calls him a fairy. This movie is kind of really homophobic. They're basically fighting over who loved her more.
Chris Pine just climbed out onto the roof in dodgy three-quarter pants and a cute grey t-shirt. His boyfriend is sitting up there. Gay BFF likens Diane Keaton to a neutron bomb, "wipe out the people and leave all the buildings", which is...really just a weird analogy. Chris Pine wants a passing interest in his inner life, and what Gay BFF had with Dead Daughter. So Gay BFF walks on the roof and falls off into comfy bushes and it's...really, really dumb.
Diane Keaton is snoring. Gay BFF gives her the diary even though she hates him. She finds it in the morning and then (inexplicably) THIS HAPPENS
BUT THE DIARY IS IN JAPANESE. LOL. SUCKED IN WOMAN. Now she's translating. And going on a date with the backer.
Manly Man and Girl BFF make up.
They're on the date and Diane Keaton gets the diary translated by a Japanese cook and finds out that she was smothering her daughter (duh) and freaks and buys ice cream at the same place as Dead Daughter and Gay BFF did before she died, from a lady with a beard. Which was in Gay BFF's play and she said it was stupid.
Diane Keaton gives stuff out to the friends. Chris Pine lounges and laughs. She gives him the pretty dress he wore and he kisses her and it's adoorable, and Gay BFF is like 'I guess there's nothing in that bag for me' and I'm like STOP FORCING WIZARD OF OZ ON US. THIS MOVIE IS NO WIZARD OF OZ. And she gives him the diary, because we needed more cheese. She apologises for being a raging bitch. She was the ONLY THING THEY EVER LOVED IN THEIR WHOLE LIFE. Poor Chris Pine. Last shot of Chris Pine: driving off in the back of the truck. More bad Wizard of Oz metaphors to close the movie.
1.5 stars. Chris gets one all to himself.
Green Queen
Tags:
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
Thank you for making the wait for Spicks and Specks so much happier!
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject